My heart hurts

This is where I am today...

My heart is breaking.

I have a friendship that is so close to my heart, and its in trouble. I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

I have tried multiple times to make things right, but it never ends well. I have prayed, I have pulled away to give this person some space, I have kept my hurts and problems with depression to myself so that she wouldn't have to "deal" with them, I have even tried to pretend everything is ok...nothing has helped.

Please pray...I feel like someone I love has died.

My heart is hurting...

Crystie

Music to my ears....

Listen, can you hear that??????


This past week has probably been one of the quietest in my entire life. My sweet boy was on a trip to the beach. While he was having some much needed fun in the sun, me and O-man (Oscar the weenie dog) were playing the quiet game. Everyday when I would come home the silence was overwhelming. Even Oscar wandered around like he thought he was in the wrong house. We just didn't know what to do with ourselves.


You see at my house lives a boy...a boy who is NEVER quiet! His tv is always on...usually playing the exact same Star Wars movie over and over!!!!! He is always making a noise of some kind...whether it's imitating something he's heard on tv, or the sounds of an intense battle between lego men...he's one of those sound effects kids. There's always a fact to be heard, a joke to be told, or the squeak of balloons being made into an animal of some kind. Quiet is not in Christian's vocabulary. He likes to make noise and he likes to be heard. He likes to tell you ALL about the things he's interested in...leaving out not even the tiniest detail. I know all about tornadoes, Star Wars, Storm Chasers, guns, his favorite tv shows, and anything else that may randomly cross his sweet little mind. And let me just say until this week, I didn't know just how much I loved this about my boy!


Things have been hard for me lately, but in a week of silence, it has never been clearer to me just how blessed I am. I'm so thankful for the gift that is my son....


And as I woke up this morning to the sound of Star Wars blaring in my ear, I took a deep breath and sighed...it was music to my ears!

Crystie

Honesty

I have a struggle going on. I've been fighting God for weeks about being honest to others about myself, where I really am, and my struggles. I don't want to...I would rather hide. It's what I do, I'm much better at hiding than letting others see. BUT I want to be obedient...I just wish it didn't have to be about the secret things.


Most people know that my battle with depression is fierce and ongoing. At times it is debilitating, and I feel like its about to take me under.


The thing they don't know is that I struggle with wanting to live. Do I really want to die? NO! But I don't want to live with this crushing weight either. I'm tired of struggling, tired of hurting, tired of trying to find a way to trust. It seems much easier to just go to sleep and not have to wake up again.
FYI: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS...BECAUSE OF CHRISTIAN, but it does plague my thoughts daily.


Another thing people don't know about me is I struggle with a desire to release the pain I feel. I suppose there are many ways, both good and bad, to accomplish this...but for me it is cutting. Of the VERY FEW people who know I do this, none of them understand why. I don't know why myself except that it helps me forget a pain I don't understand, and focus on one that makes sense in my mind. How does this makes sense????? Well, for one, the pain from cutting has a reason...the pain in my heart doesn't. The pain from cutting has a beginning and an end....the pain in my heart is constant. Cutting is a release from a pain that is always there, one I just don't understand. I haven't done this in a while, but the urge is there everyday.


I am also struggling to trust. Trust who? The people in my life...and God. I don't trust very easily. I have been hurt more times than I can count. I'm afraid to get too close, because I'm afraid that when I do, they will leave. This makes friendships very hard. Opening up and allowing someone in scares me to death. I want it, I want to belong, but that involves trust...something I don't have a lot of. This often times leaves me isolated, left out, and alone.


I want to trust God in this place. I want to understand, I want relief from my pain, I want to believe that God is really good. I find myself wondering what good can possibly come from this? When will it end? How much longer? If He is good, then why? Doesn't He see my struggle...my pain? Does He care? This is huge for me. Its affecting my entire life from my relationships with others, to my relationship with Him. I need help in this, and I know it has to come from Him, but with all these thoughts, finding a way to hold onto Him is difficult.


I hope that sharing will help me in some way. I hope that it will help people understand who I am, and why I am the way I am. I hope people will want to know more...to ask questions...to want to know ME better. I feel VERY vulnerable and I'm afraid of what people will think. I don't like being vulnerable.


Honesty is so hard.

Crystie

Different

Why am I so different? Why can't I open up and share? Why can't I risk my heart and trust?

I so want too with my whole heart.

I am so messed up and so wounded that I am terrified to let others in. When I am in a situation where I am uncomfortable, I retreat so far inside myself that I can barely breathe. I hate this. I have so much I want to say, to share...but I simply can't do it. Why?

I am so afraid of "losing" in front of others, that I retreat and hold on as tight as I can. Inside of myself is my "safe place". But is it really safe? I don't think so. I wonder what would happen if I took a deep breath and opened myself up, and let it all out...right there in front of everyone? What would people say? How would they react? How would I react? Could I even do it? Just the thought of it makes me physically ill. I am terrified just thinking about it. But strangely I want to do this...to let it all out, and let them all in. AND, I think this is what is coming. But I am digging my heels in because I want to protect myself. From what? Hurt? Rejection? The fear that once the dam breaks, and the wall crumbles, I will be exposed. I want my wall to crumble, but I can't bring myself to let it happen. I feel like I have to retreat, run, hide, whatever it takes to protect myself. I can see with my wise mind how destructive my way is verses His way, but my heart needs to catch up. In my heart, I feel like if I allow this to happen, then I will be rejected...again. I can't take that risk...

Where does this leave me?

Different. So different that it hurts.

Crystie

Will Somebody Please Fill My Cup??!!??

Fill my cup Lord,
I lift it up Lord,
Come and fill this thirsting in my soul.
Bread of Heaven, feed me til I want no more,
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole.

I don't know about you, but so many times when my cup is empty and I feel hollow inside, I look to others to fill me back up. Sometimes I feel like my cup is always empty no matter what I do. Why is this? The answer is clear, I'm not looking to the right source...Jesus. He is the only one who can fill us ALL the way up, even to overflowing. He is more than willing to be all you need, in fact, He longs for it.

Don't be afraid to tell God what you need, what is missing from your life. Tell Him all the things that YOU have done to try and fill the void yourself, and then ask HIM to fill you with His love and flood you with His presence.

Beth Moore says, " If Christ has not been invited to fill up all the hollow places in our lives, we may be saved---But we are not safe!"
Oswald Chambers says, "No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first."

Constantly seeking to be filled by others leaves us and them feeling drained. We become dissatisfied and our relationships suffer because of unmet, unrealistic expectations. So friends, let others off the hook and run to Jesus! He is the only one able to handle our need and totally fill our cup!

Breathe in His Word Today,

Crystie

Words of Comfort

“…I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with lovingkindness.
I will build you up again: You will be rebuilt…
Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful.”
(Jeremiah 31:3-4)

Today these words are a comfort to me because today, I don’t feel very loved, and I don’t feel like I will ever be whole. It is a very good thing that His Words are Truth, and not my thoughts, because my thoughts are definitely in the pit today.

I hate days like this, days that it feels overwhelming and never-ending. Days where everything seems filtered through the lens of depression. Everything is clouded by sadness and what sometimes feels like despair, and a heaviness that I can’t seem to shake. My mind hurts, my body hurts, and my heart hurts.


BUT PRAISE GOD…HE IS STILL GOD!!!!!! He is reaching down into my pit and drawing me out! He is my support and He arms me with strength. He gives me His shield of victory…did you see that? I will have victory over this because He is going to give it to me! He stoops down to make me great…me, who feels so unloved today. He sees all my weeping, hears all my cries for mercy, and He accepts my prayers today…Praise Him! He will deliver me from the deep waters of depression to a spacious place that He has picked just for me!


So until then I will be joyful in all things, I will keep on praying, and I will keep giving Him thanks in this circumstance because this is His will for me…(1 Thess. 5:16-18)
And who knows…maybe I’ll even be dancing soon!


Breathe in His Word today,
Crystie

“God is our place of safety. He gives us strength. He is always there to help us in times of trouble.” Psalms 46:1 NIRV

A place of safety……

A place to be who you are. A place without condemnation. A place to fall and be picked up again. A place to be broken, and a place to be healed. A place where love abounds and is freely given. A place where love is never taken away.

Strength from him……

Means no more defeat. No more being alone in battle. Knowing that when you stand, He stands beside you. Knowing that when you can’t, He can, He will, and He does! Let God’s love abound in your heart. Stand in the shelter of His refuge. Fight with His strength that only He gives.
“God is our place of safety. He gives us strength. He is always there to help us in times of trouble.”


These words bring such comfort in the midst of my fight with depression. Knowing that I can be who I am without having to hide. I am loved as I am...loved without limits. Knowing I am not alone sometimes is the only thing that keeps me going. Knowing it...not necessarily feeling it. Standing on what I know to be true, is so much better than listening to the lies that the enemy whispers in my ear. Getting through the moment on His strength is so much better than relying on mine, or other's. He is the only one that can give true strength in trouble...in depression...in despair...or whatever burden you may face today.

Remember, God's Word is His very breath...Inhale!
Crystie