Honesty

I have a struggle going on. I've been fighting God for weeks about being honest to others about myself, where I really am, and my struggles. I don't want to...I would rather hide. It's what I do, I'm much better at hiding than letting others see. BUT I want to be obedient...I just wish it didn't have to be about the secret things.


Most people know that my battle with depression is fierce and ongoing. At times it is debilitating, and I feel like its about to take me under.


The thing they don't know is that I struggle with wanting to live. Do I really want to die? NO! But I don't want to live with this crushing weight either. I'm tired of struggling, tired of hurting, tired of trying to find a way to trust. It seems much easier to just go to sleep and not have to wake up again.
FYI: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS...BECAUSE OF CHRISTIAN, but it does plague my thoughts daily.


Another thing people don't know about me is I struggle with a desire to release the pain I feel. I suppose there are many ways, both good and bad, to accomplish this...but for me it is cutting. Of the VERY FEW people who know I do this, none of them understand why. I don't know why myself except that it helps me forget a pain I don't understand, and focus on one that makes sense in my mind. How does this makes sense????? Well, for one, the pain from cutting has a reason...the pain in my heart doesn't. The pain from cutting has a beginning and an end....the pain in my heart is constant. Cutting is a release from a pain that is always there, one I just don't understand. I haven't done this in a while, but the urge is there everyday.


I am also struggling to trust. Trust who? The people in my life...and God. I don't trust very easily. I have been hurt more times than I can count. I'm afraid to get too close, because I'm afraid that when I do, they will leave. This makes friendships very hard. Opening up and allowing someone in scares me to death. I want it, I want to belong, but that involves trust...something I don't have a lot of. This often times leaves me isolated, left out, and alone.


I want to trust God in this place. I want to understand, I want relief from my pain, I want to believe that God is really good. I find myself wondering what good can possibly come from this? When will it end? How much longer? If He is good, then why? Doesn't He see my struggle...my pain? Does He care? This is huge for me. Its affecting my entire life from my relationships with others, to my relationship with Him. I need help in this, and I know it has to come from Him, but with all these thoughts, finding a way to hold onto Him is difficult.


I hope that sharing will help me in some way. I hope that it will help people understand who I am, and why I am the way I am. I hope people will want to know more...to ask questions...to want to know ME better. I feel VERY vulnerable and I'm afraid of what people will think. I don't like being vulnerable.


Honesty is so hard.

Crystie