Why am I so different? Why can't I open up and share? Why can't I risk my heart and trust?
I so want too with my whole heart.
I am so messed up and so wounded that I am terrified to let others in. When I am in a situation where I am uncomfortable, I retreat so far inside myself that I can barely breathe. I hate this. I have so much I want to say, to share...but I simply can't do it. Why?
I am so afraid of "losing" in front of others, that I retreat and hold on as tight as I can. Inside of myself is my "safe place". But is it really safe? I don't think so. I wonder what would happen if I took a deep breath and opened myself up, and let it all out...right there in front of everyone? What would people say? How would they react? How would I react? Could I even do it? Just the thought of it makes me physically ill. I am terrified just thinking about it. But strangely I want to do this...to let it all out, and let them all in. AND, I think this is what is coming. But I am digging my heels in because I want to protect myself. From what? Hurt? Rejection? The fear that once the dam breaks, and the wall crumbles, I will be exposed. I want my wall to crumble, but I can't bring myself to let it happen. I feel like I have to retreat, run, hide, whatever it takes to protect myself. I can see with my wise mind how destructive my way is verses His way, but my heart needs to catch up. In my heart, I feel like if I allow this to happen, then I will be rejected...again. I can't take that risk...
Where does this leave me?
Different. So different that it hurts.
Crystie
Senior Year
5 months ago
Posts
3 comments:
Again... I love you.
I'll be here when you are ready to let the walls crumble... and even when you are not.
Crystie,
Girl let it out. God is ready for you to. You just don't know which one of us needs to hear what you have to share. It might just be what one of us needs to break through where God is leading us also. Even though it may seem that the other ladies at Bible Study are open to share our lives there are things that we have inside that we too are scared to share and God has told us too also, but we dig in and hold onto it. Believe me we are just as scared as you but with God we can help each other. So I encourage you to let God lead you and help you come out of where you are in your mind.
I promise you that I will be there to pick you up when those walls start crumbling. And I'm here now praying.
We must help each other. I need it too!
Love ya,
Beverly
Crystie,
I think of you often. I pray for you. I have always seen something special in you. Keep your eyes on him and he will bring you through. love, Amy Sexton
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