From Deep Waters To Spacious Places

A new day, a new week, a new month, a new year, a new decade...will this be the year that there's a new me?

Will I grow and change?

Will I stay the same and praise Him anyway?

I hope beyond hope that this will be the year He lifts me out of the depression, that 2010 will bring freedom to my soul.

But what if it doesn't happen? What if on Jan 1, 2011 I'm still asking the same questions. What then? How will it affect what I believe to be true? Will I be able to stand it any more? Will I be able to stand at all?

I don't know the answer to those questions, but I do know that I want to be free. I do want to know Him more, in a deeper way. A friend tells me that where I am is where I will get to know Him. Am I willing to stay where I am to know Him better??? I'd like to think so, but if I'm being honest I would have to say I do want to know Him, but I don't want to stay in this place to get that. There has to be an easier way. I know...easy doesn't always mean good. Sometimes hard is better. It's in the tough times, the hard times that we grow and we learn and we see the face of God.

So what am I going to do with this new year? I want to commit to digging deeper in His Word. I want to hunger and thirst for Him. I want to want Him more than anything else in the world. I want to desire Him, I want to long for Him, I want Him to cause me to love Him even more than I do right now.

As the new year begins, my prayer is to be in a place where no matter what, I can trust Him, believe Him, and know above all else that He loves me...

Crystie

This is how I feel today:

Psalm 88

O Lord, God of my salvation,
I cry out to you by day.
I come to you at night.
Now hear my prayer;
listen to my cry.
For my life is full of troubles,
and death draws near.
I am as good as dead,
like a strong man with no strength left.
They have left me among the dead,
and I lie like a corpse in a grave.
I am forgotten,
cut off from your care.
You have thrown me into the lowest pit,
into the darkest depths.
Your anger weighs me down;
with wave after wave you have engulfed me.
You have driven my friends away
by making me repulsive to them.
I am in a trap with no way of escape.
My eyes are blinded by my tears.
Each day I beg for your help,
O Lord;
I lift my hands to you for mercy.
Are your wonderful deeds of any use to the dead?
Do the dead rise up and praise you?
Can those in the grave declare your unfailing love?
Can they proclaim your faithfulness in the place of destruction?
Can the darkness speak of your wonderful deeds?
Can anyone in the land of forgetfulness
talk about your righteousness?
O Lord, I cry out to you.
I will keep on pleading day by day.
O Lord, why do you reject me?
Why do you turn your face from me?
I have been sick and close to death since my youth.
I stand helpless and desperate before your terrors.
Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me.
Your terrors have paralyzed me.
They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long.
They have engulfed me completely.
You have taken away my companions and loved ones.
Darkness is my closest friend.

But God in His love and mercy showed me this this morning:

Lamenations 3: 20-26

I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself,
“The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”
The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.

Dear Lord help me hide these truths in my heart .

Crystie

"I still wanted my churchgoing experience to be more than just a Sunday morning routine."



This statement could have come straight out of my own thoughts. If I'm being honest, I would have to say that my whole relationship with Him feels like a routine. My quiet time is a struggle, my prayer life feels flat and lifeless, and church is something I feel I have to do, not something I want to do. Oh how I want things to change. Like Lysa, my greatest desire is to learn about Him, talk with Him, and apply His teachings so that they make a real difference in my life.



Keep Asking...

"His example challenges me to make it a habit to keep asking God for wisdom and revelation. In doing so, I admit my daily dependence on God and my need for Him."



Boy do I ever need Him. It is a comfort to me to know that I can keep asking. I really do want to understand, to know Him more, to feel His heart. I'm desperate for Him to "work" for me. I want to know Him better...I want to "know Him in even deeper ways than I ever thought possible".



Oh Lord give me a renewed desire to study your Word and seek your face...

Crystie

This chapter hit me like a tons of bricks. Many, many times I feel I don't measure up. I feel like I'm not good enough for family, for friends, and even for God. I feel that I can't do enough to be worthy of God's love. I too often find myself asking, why doesn't Jesus work for me? Why doesn't he step in and help. Maybe its something I've done, or maybe I just simply don't measure up. Satan loves it when we ask these kinds of questions. When we get in this frame of mind its easy for us to justify distancing ourselves from God, His Word and prayer. Lysa says this once again reduces our relationship to a checklist of things we feel obligated to do. There are many times I do things because I feel like I should because its the good Christian thing to do.

To know I'm not alone help bring things into perspective. Realizing that everyone has moments like these and are able to move on, gives me hope that I can choose to do the same thing. It all comes down to resting. Resting on what I know to be true...when I fall, I can get back up. When I feel unworthy, I can pick myself up, dust myself off and choose to walk in His Truth. When I walk away. I can find my way back again. I must also realize that I may never measure up according to the world's standards, but that's ok because my worth comes from HIM.

Lysa states, God never intended for us to rely on others for our sense of well-being. Only He is equipped to provide that.

That takes a little pressure off to be perfect and try to when approval from others. The only approval I need is from Jesus and praise God I already have that!

Lysa also stated, Instead of resting my heart in the unrealistic hope that others will make my joy complete, I have to rest my heart with Jesus only.

Oh Lord help me to rest in you and you alone because you are my source for joy and wholeness and worth...

Crystie

I decided to try and put some of the thoughts I have floating around in my head down so that maybe I can process them a little better.

First let me say that the Beth Moore conference was well worth the 10 hour drive it took to get there. I enjoyed the conference and time with my friends...although they may not think so.

Several things throughout the weekend really spoke to me....

God's love is loyal. It is fierce...His love will fight for me. That is huge when you feel like all of a sudden there's no one in your corner anymore.

He guards His love for us...He maintains it, protects it, keeps it, watches over it. Do we guard our love? Not do we guard ourselves against love, but do we guard the love we have? Hmmmm that's a mouthful to think about.

He also maintains His love for me even when I don't deserve it...especially when I don't deserve it. Are we like that? Do we tend to withdraw our love when we are hurt? Maybe we should take God's stance and withdraw the blessing, not the love.

One of the biggest things He showed me was that my wounds have a purpose. My pain is not for naught. He gave it to me to serve a purpose in me...not so that I will serve it...WOW!

Beth said if we are not careful, our wounds can become idols. I think my wounds, my pain is bordering on that right now. Instead of praising Him, I give all the attention to the pain. That one kicked the breath right out of me. She also said that if you need Jesus, then you are blessed. If you need healing, need a miracle, then you are blessed. I've never looked at it that way. I've always considered it a sign of weakness, not a blessing. I mean, our wounds, our pain is the chief reason He came. Isaiah 61:1 says he came to bind up the broken hearted...not leave them to suffer without out hope. Sometimes my view of God is that He is distant at best...not right here with me binding up my hurts. We tend to take our wounds deep and our healing at the surface. We become what Beth called walking wounds. That is so me...I have allowed my pain and hurts to take over my entire life. I'm so ashamed...but thankfully God is forgiving.

One area that I have allowed to put me in the walking wound category is over a friendship that I have. I feel that I have lost it already and there's no turning back. Things are so different and its hard to accept. I have locked onto one thing that was said and it is consuming my thoughts. It is making me doubt all the other things that have been done or said in the past. I need to find a way to deal with the pain and move on...I don't want this wound to become an idol.

Another area is the depression that I face everyday. Its there, it hasn't gone away, its intense right now...you know it, I know it, God knows it. I need to find a way to live with it and praise Him and his goodness rather than give all my time and thoughts over to it.

So as you can see, my brain is full! Full of thoughts and changes that need to be made. I'm so thankful for a God who is not afraid to tell us the things that hurt. I'm thankful that His healing goes all the way down to the center of our pain, and that His forgiveness goes as deep as our sin. But most of all, I'm thankful that His love is bigger than it all...

Crystie

This song perfectly puts into words the prayer I'm praying right now...

How long must I pray? How long do I have to wait? I'm begging you to notice me...to turn to me.

I have so many questions without answers, so many tears, so much pain...How long must I wait?

If you are everything you say you are, please come close and hold my heart...I want to hear you calling my name...