Monday, September 19, 2011

Broken Pieces...

A few weeks ago I read a blog post that really inspired me.  In the post, the writer described a time where the Lord did a tremendous work in her life with a simple broken pitcher.  I felt the Lord telling me I should do the same thing because He had something He wanted to say.  Later that week I began searching for a pitcher that I could use for my time with Him. Once I found it, it sat on a shelf where I could see it for a week and a half.  During that time, I asked the Lord to help me hear what He wanted to say to me.  I didn't want this to be a meaningless activity that I copied from someone else.  I desperately wanted God to speak to me. 

I got up early one morning and decided to get alone with God to see what He had to say.  So, with the pitcher in my hands, I prayed once more then went outside and dropped the pitcher on the sidewalk and watched it shatter into what seemed like a million pieces.  I gathered all the pieces and took them inside.  As I began to sort them, I could really sense His presence.  I took the pieces and started gluing them together and everything seemed to be working out just fine.  The further along that I got though, the harder it became.  Suddenly my mood was yucky and I was upset.  The pieces didn't want to fit back together, I had glue all over my fingers, and I was bleeding in multiple places.  I had reached the point where I was frustrated and wanted to was too hard and too broken to be put back together.  I gathered up the pieces once again and put them away.  I sat on my bed feeling like a complete mess, a failure.  I wanted to know what I was supposed to learn from that?  What was the point of the whole thing?  As the tears began to fall, I got a text message from a friend.  I told her what I had been doing and how it went.  I told her how it wouldn't go together, and how I was bleeding everywhere.  This was her reply: "Ain't that just like us and life? Not going back together like we want...and bleeding the whole time."  I needed to hear what she had to say and I knew she was right.  I wanted it my way.  I had in my mind the way it was supposed to go and I had lost my focus.  I got so wrapped up in it being "right" that I was missing what God wanted to teach me. God used my friend in that moment to speak to me.  It wasn't supposed to go my was supposed to go His.  He was in control, not me. 

Fast forward about two weeks...

After getting a new perspective on things, I started praying again for God to help me hear from Him.  One night when the house was quiet, I pulled the pieces back out, took a deep breath, and said another quick prayer. I got to work trying to put it back together and it still wouldn't fit back the way I thought it was supposed to.  This time instead of getting frustrated and giving up, I kept praying, asking God to speak.  When I finally had all the pieces back together it looked like a mess. There were cracks in some places and several missing pieces.  I sat there staring at it and wondering what to do next.  Then softly and gently I began to sense the Lord whisper to my heart.  He began to show me some things as I looked at the pitcher.

This is what it looked like...

Before, it was whole and put together...

But then this is what it looked like after it was broken...

And now it looks like this...put back together again...

I began to see my life like the pitcher.  At first glance, the outside looks whole and all put together.  But on the inside I'm a mess...a mess that I can't fix by myself. He showed me that I was not too broken to be put back together. In the end, I WILL be put back together.  He showed me that the missing pieces were things He had healed me from, things I no longer needed. The cracks are there so that once I am filled up by Him, He could seep out and use me to affect others with the same love that He gave to me.

He showed me that this is where I am now...

I am no where close to being put back together.  Instead, I am a work in where I am growing and learning to lean on Him to fix my broken pieces. It is a process, and I must choose to let him work.  I may be broken, but God has already picked up the pieces and is lovingly and patiently putting me back painful piece at a time.

I am thankful to Him for speaking such powerful truths to me.  For helping me see myself and where I am differently than I did before.  I pray that I will never be the same, that I will allow Him to continue to put me back together so that I can be the vessel He wants me to be...I pray that for you too.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011


Seems like its been forever since I was here.  So much has happened over the last few months that I don't even know where to begin.  Many changes have taken place...some good, some not so good.  I have so many different emotions...again, some good and some not.  I am kinda at a crossroads of sorts, so many unanswered questions and hurts in my heart.

Christian and I are all settled in at my mom's house and we are doing great.  I am so thankful for the fact that my mom was there and opened her home to us once again.  While I am thankful, my heart feels like its been through a whirlwind.  The loss of my house has sent me deeper into the pit than I already was.  I understand the position that my friend was in over the house, but it still has had tremendous impact on me. 

To say my walk with God has suffered would be an understatement.  I was already struggling and this has pulled me so much further away.  I realize that I'm the one that has walked out, not God.  I know in my wise mind that He is still there, waiting for me, and loving me all the while.  My heart just hurts.  And because of this, other areas of my life are suffering church.  My desires are not where they should be, and neither are my "want-to's".  I feel detached, almost dead inside.  I don't want to go to church, to Bible study, to anything.  I'm not sure if its all me, or if there is something more.  All I know is, I'm not happy there anymore.  I know I need to get a grip SOON or its going to start affecting Christian.  It's just that I don't want to get a I said, my desires are not what they should be.  The hard part is that detachment is not only in church, but its creeping into other areas of my life.  I feel detached from job, my friends, my family, and even Christian.  All I want to do is sleep and escape from my mind.  This is a terrible place to be.  It's so hard knowing what you should do, what you should be, and yet not having the desire to do what it takes to get there.  I'm just going through the motions.  Some days I'm successful, and some days I'm not.  While I'm surrounded by people that I know care, I feel so lonely in this place.  No one can fix it, no one can take it away, and no one can make me do what I know needs to be done.  So here is the I going to get on my face before God and make it right, or am I going to keep this wall around my heart and keep going down this road?  It should be an easy decision, but it's not.

Then there is Christian. There are some issues and some hurts that he is facing too.  These are things I can't fix for him and it is breaking my heart. To see him handle his emotions the same way I do tears me up.  On top of that, he will be going back to public school this year.  It's a decision I'm still on the fence about in my heart, but I know it's the right thing for him.  He is not really on board so your prayers are needed.

Well there it's ugly but its the truth.  Please pray for me...for us.  There is so much that I can't even give a specific request.  All I can ask is for you to just pray...

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Keep Breathing....

At this point, this is all I can do....

Friday, February 25, 2011


I am thankful for the fact that...
  • I have another opportunity to get in His Word and seek His face today.
  • His mercies are new every morning...without them I would be more of a mess than I already am.
  • His Word says He will never leave me or abandon me or give up on me.
  • He hears me when I call.
  • There is light in my darkness even though I can't see it right now.
  • He does know what He is doing. He has a plan and it is for my good, not my harm.
  • He restores lives.
  • He fills up the broken places in my heart.
  • He is more than enough.
  • His will for me is abundant life.
  • His Word is Truth and that Truth will set me free.
  • He is faithful.
  • When I am weak, He is strong.
  • I have the mind of Christ.
  • His Word says, He rescues me, He brings me out to a spacious place, and He delights in me.
  • He rejoices over me with singing.
  • He is my "pretty".
  • He is able to do far more than I can ever imagine, or guess or request in my wildest dreams.
  • Nothing is too hard for Him.
  • Even when I can't pray, He prays for me.
  • He fights for me.
  • Even if everyone else abandons me, He will receive me.
  • His perfect love drives out all my fears.
  • I can put all my cares on Him and He will sustain me.
  • If I trust His Truth and not mine, He will make my paths straight.
  • He redeemed me.
  • There is hope for my future.
  • He sees what I am going through and He knows my pain.
  • He will never with hold His love from me.
  • He is with me wherever I go.
  • He will complete the work that He has started in me.
  • His love is unfailing.
  • Even though it looks like things are falling apart on the outside, on the inside He is doing something new.

Oh how I love Him! I desire to be close to Him and to realize that He truly is more than enough for me. I want to hunger and thirst for His Word and I want His love to consume me like a fire...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

That's all I ask....

Ex 14:14
" The Lord will fight for you, you need only to stand."

As I began praying about and searching for which verse I wanted to start the new year off with, I asked God to lead me to a verse that I needed, one I could learn from. When I came acroos this verse, I had been chatting online with a friend about participating in Beth Moore's Siesta Scripture Memory Team. As we finished our conversation, she left me with Ex. 14:14. When I looked the verse up, I immedeately felt the Lord speak to my heart. "All I am asking you to do in the midst of your depression is to stand," is what I felt Him say to me. Standing is the one thing that I sometimes think I don't have enough strength for. Why? Why do I find it so hard to just stand? Because I'm too busy kicking and screaming and trying to fight this thing out. I'm so consumed with the "why" that I can't see what He is trying to teach me. There is so much more to this thing that my mind can see. There's a much bigger purpose for my pain. He promises that He will fight this battle for me. I waste so much time and energy when all I need to do is be still and stand. Stand on what? His truth, His promises, His Word. Seems so simple...can I stand? Will I stand? Will I choose to stand and let Him do the rest? Will I claim His promises and hold fast to His Word? My prayer and desire for 2011 is that I will take Him at His Word and let Him have the is His to fight anyway. All He is asking of me is to stand and let Him fight it.


Friday, December 3, 2010

Pray for me....

I am so full of questions today. So much is going on in my mind and heart that I don't even know what I believe anymore. I have questions like, why would God bring me so far only to force me back? Doesn't He see me? Doesn't He care? And if not me, then what about Christian? Does He see him? Does He care what happens to him? I'm at a loss...I don't know what to do. I know the promise I was given but it now seems that God is going back on that promise. Why? What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I'm going to be honest and say that my faith is weak. I'm on the brink of walking out on it and just giving up. What difference would it really make anyway? I need answers. I need to know what to do. I'm in a crisis and don't even feel like I can call on my God to help...that's a very hopeless place to be. It's very lonely. So much has happened over the last few weeks and I am having trouble trusting God's hand...I want to believe Him, but the problems are just too great. I can't see my way around them to even get to a place where I can call on Him. I feel like He has thrown me away. I've been thrown away before and it doesn't feel good. Never would I have dreamed that I would be thrown away by God. I know the Bible says that He will never leave me, but it sure feels like He has. I know satan is messing with my mind, deep down I want to believe that I truly do trust God's hand. But this place I'm in...this crisis, has so clouded my mind and my thoughts that I can't even pray. Will you pray for me? Pray that He will make a way, because right now, there doesn't seem to be a way...only darkness. Did I mention that its lonely here?????

Friday, June 25, 2010

Before the Morning...

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever wondered where God is in my pain. I think some of us have even asked, If You love me, then where are You? Have you forgotten me? His Word says, no, He hasn't forgotten us. Isaiah 49:14-16 says, "can a mother forget the infant at her breast, walk away from the child she bore? But even if mothers forget, I'd never forget you-never. Look, I've written your names on the backs of my hands. The walls that you're rebuilding are never out of my sight." (Msg)

It's hard when we can't see a reason, but there's always a lesson to be learned. Isaiah 38:17 says, "It seems it was good for me to go through these troubles. Throughout them all you held tight to my lifeline. You never let me tumble over the edge into nothing." And Psalm 119:67 says, "Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word." Verse 71 says, "my troubles turned out all for the best-they forced me to learn from your book."

I beleive God never lets anything happen without a greater good in mind..."And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love him..." (Romans 8:28).

The question is will we trust Him? Will we wait and look for the good? Will we be teachable? Will we remember that when (not if) we keep the faith and finish the race that there will be in store for us a crown of righteousness, which the Lord will award to us. (2 Timothy 4:7)

Yes, there is often hurt before the healing. But remember, "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5)