Different

Why am I so different? Why can't I open up and share? Why can't I risk my heart and trust?

I so want too with my whole heart.

I am so messed up and so wounded that I am terrified to let others in. When I am in a situation where I am uncomfortable, I retreat so far inside myself that I can barely breathe. I hate this. I have so much I want to say, to share...but I simply can't do it. Why?

I am so afraid of "losing" in front of others, that I retreat and hold on as tight as I can. Inside of myself is my "safe place". But is it really safe? I don't think so. I wonder what would happen if I took a deep breath and opened myself up, and let it all out...right there in front of everyone? What would people say? How would they react? How would I react? Could I even do it? Just the thought of it makes me physically ill. I am terrified just thinking about it. But strangely I want to do this...to let it all out, and let them all in. AND, I think this is what is coming. But I am digging my heels in because I want to protect myself. From what? Hurt? Rejection? The fear that once the dam breaks, and the wall crumbles, I will be exposed. I want my wall to crumble, but I can't bring myself to let it happen. I feel like I have to retreat, run, hide, whatever it takes to protect myself. I can see with my wise mind how destructive my way is verses His way, but my heart needs to catch up. In my heart, I feel like if I allow this to happen, then I will be rejected...again. I can't take that risk...

Where does this leave me?

Different. So different that it hurts.

Crystie