Thoughts

I decided to try and put some of the thoughts I have floating around in my head down so that maybe I can process them a little better.

First let me say that the Beth Moore conference was well worth the 10 hour drive it took to get there. I enjoyed the conference and time with my friends...although they may not think so.

Several things throughout the weekend really spoke to me....

God's love is loyal. It is fierce...His love will fight for me. That is huge when you feel like all of a sudden there's no one in your corner anymore.

He guards His love for us...He maintains it, protects it, keeps it, watches over it. Do we guard our love? Not do we guard ourselves against love, but do we guard the love we have? Hmmmm that's a mouthful to think about.

He also maintains His love for me even when I don't deserve it...especially when I don't deserve it. Are we like that? Do we tend to withdraw our love when we are hurt? Maybe we should take God's stance and withdraw the blessing, not the love.

One of the biggest things He showed me was that my wounds have a purpose. My pain is not for naught. He gave it to me to serve a purpose in me...not so that I will serve it...WOW!

Beth said if we are not careful, our wounds can become idols. I think my wounds, my pain is bordering on that right now. Instead of praising Him, I give all the attention to the pain. That one kicked the breath right out of me. She also said that if you need Jesus, then you are blessed. If you need healing, need a miracle, then you are blessed. I've never looked at it that way. I've always considered it a sign of weakness, not a blessing. I mean, our wounds, our pain is the chief reason He came. Isaiah 61:1 says he came to bind up the broken hearted...not leave them to suffer without out hope. Sometimes my view of God is that He is distant at best...not right here with me binding up my hurts. We tend to take our wounds deep and our healing at the surface. We become what Beth called walking wounds. That is so me...I have allowed my pain and hurts to take over my entire life. I'm so ashamed...but thankfully God is forgiving.

One area that I have allowed to put me in the walking wound category is over a friendship that I have. I feel that I have lost it already and there's no turning back. Things are so different and its hard to accept. I have locked onto one thing that was said and it is consuming my thoughts. It is making me doubt all the other things that have been done or said in the past. I need to find a way to deal with the pain and move on...I don't want this wound to become an idol.

Another area is the depression that I face everyday. Its there, it hasn't gone away, its intense right now...you know it, I know it, God knows it. I need to find a way to live with it and praise Him and his goodness rather than give all my time and thoughts over to it.

So as you can see, my brain is full! Full of thoughts and changes that need to be made. I'm so thankful for a God who is not afraid to tell us the things that hurt. I'm thankful that His healing goes all the way down to the center of our pain, and that His forgiveness goes as deep as our sin. But most of all, I'm thankful that His love is bigger than it all...

Crystie