Again...

Its happening again...I don't want it to, but it is.

I don't know if my heart can take it...too much pain and another loss. I don't want to go through this again.

I don't understand why, I just know that the problem has to be me. I wish I knew how to fix "me" so this wouldn't have to happen again.

The depression I deal with has robbed me of so much in my life and its on the verge of taking one more thing that's precious to me and I don't want it to, yet am powerless to stop it. Why does it have to win again?

The last time I faced a loss this big, it nearly did me in. I don't want to be here again.

I've talked to God about it, I've begged Him not to take it, I've even tried a little bargaining...only to realize I don't have anything to bargain with.

Why can't it be the loss of depression? Why can't that be the thing that is ripped from my life? I wouldn't miss that, wouldn't mourn over it, wouldn't have to try to find a way to put my heart back together again.

I tried not to let "me" get in the way, I tried not to care, to love, to trust, to want, to need or to cling to. I tried to keep it in its proper place, to know where it belonged, to keep it from getting between me and God...and yet here I am again.

I don't want "me" getting in the way. I don't want the depression and all that it does to me to win once more.

Why does it have to be this? Lord, I don't want it be this...again.