I have a struggle going on. I've been fighting God for weeks about being honest to others about myself, where I really am, and my struggles. I don't want to...I would rather hide. It's what I do, I'm much better at hiding than letting others see. BUT I want to be obedient...I just wish it didn't have to be about the secret things.
Most people know that my battle with depression is fierce and ongoing. At times it is debilitating, and I feel like its about to take me under.
The thing they don't know is that I struggle with wanting to live. Do I really want to die? NO! But I don't want to live with this crushing weight either. I'm tired of struggling, tired of hurting, tired of trying to find a way to trust. It seems much easier to just go to sleep and not have to wake up again.
FYI: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS...BECAUSE OF CHRISTIAN, but it does plague my thoughts daily.
Another thing people don't know about me is I struggle with a desire to release the pain I feel. I suppose there are many ways, both good and bad, to accomplish this...but for me it is cutting. Of the VERY FEW people who know I do this, none of them understand why. I don't know why myself except that it helps me forget a pain I don't understand, and focus on one that makes sense in my mind. How does this makes sense????? Well, for one, the pain from cutting has a reason...the pain in my heart doesn't. The pain from cutting has a beginning and an end....the pain in my heart is constant. Cutting is a release from a pain that is always there, one I just don't understand. I haven't done this in a while, but the urge is there everyday.
I am also struggling to trust. Trust who? The people in my life...and God. I don't trust very easily. I have been hurt more times than I can count. I'm afraid to get too close, because I'm afraid that when I do, they will leave. This makes friendships very hard. Opening up and allowing someone in scares me to death. I want it, I want to belong, but that involves trust...something I don't have a lot of. This often times leaves me isolated, left out, and alone.
I want to trust God in this place. I want to understand, I want relief from my pain, I want to believe that God is really good. I find myself wondering what good can possibly come from this? When will it end? How much longer? If He is good, then why? Doesn't He see my struggle...my pain? Does He care? This is huge for me. Its affecting my entire life from my relationships with others, to my relationship with Him. I need help in this, and I know it has to come from Him, but with all these thoughts, finding a way to hold onto Him is difficult.
I hope that sharing will help me in some way. I hope that it will help people understand who I am, and why I am the way I am. I hope people will want to know more...to ask questions...to want to know ME better. I feel VERY vulnerable and I'm afraid of what people will think. I don't like being vulnerable.
Honesty is so hard.
Crystie
Senior Year
11 months ago
Posts
3 comments:
Honesty is hard, and you are so much stronger than me and many others to share the true you with us. Too often we all hide in our lives -- we each find our own way. At least you admit it and try to remove the barrier. Thanks for sharing your struggles -- they make other's realize their own! Love you, Lydia
Crystie,
Thanks for sharing this post about your life. God does want the best for you and has it right in His hands for you to reach out and take hold of. Just throw all the stuff you just shared in the deepest of the ocean and let him have it, stop holding onto it and let Him release you from it, then you will experience a total new you. You will still have struggles and relationship problems because of the way our world is, but you will be released from what is holding you.
I have a friend who "was" a cutter, if you would like to hear how she released that from her life I would be glad to share it with you.
God can take all these things from you if you will just allow Him to take the control Crystie. I love you and I so want to see "you" be able to share your insights with us personally instead of feeling like you need to hide.
The Tuesdays also have things I'm positive they have "hidden" about themselves and it takes so much to be able to share like this. This step you have just taken by sharing all that you did you've not only shared with us but with everyone in the world who happens upon your blog. So you really aren't hiding after all.
You don't need to worry about what people think, only about what God thinks. People don't matter. Pleasing God, obeying God, sharing God those are things that matter.
People will let you down, but God NEVER will.
Honesty is hard to share, and yet honesty from others is also hard to receive.
As people share those things with you that are honest and hard, allow God to help you to understand them and apply them and you will see God begin to change you!
I love ya Crystie and I'm praying that you will hand everything over to His control.
You are truly brave my friend. It is time for you to Break Free... and I think God is just about to help you with that. You will have to give yourself fully to this study... no matter how hard and how difficult. Freedom is possible... actually it is more than possible. It can be a sure thing with Christ!!
I love you my friend. I will walk this walk as far as I can with you... but the last part will be between you and YOUR God!!
Love you always,
Lynn
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