Crossroads...

Seems like its been forever since I was here.  So much has happened over the last few months that I don't even know where to begin.  Many changes have taken place...some good, some not so good.  I have so many different emotions...again, some good and some not.  I am kinda at a crossroads of sorts, so many unanswered questions and hurts in my heart.

Christian and I are all settled in at my mom's house and we are doing great.  I am so thankful for the fact that my mom was there and opened her home to us once again.  While I am thankful, my heart feels like its been through a whirlwind.  The loss of my house has sent me deeper into the pit than I already was.  I understand the position that my friend was in over the house, but it still has had tremendous impact on me. 

To say my walk with God has suffered would be an understatement.  I was already struggling and this has pulled me so much further away.  I realize that I'm the one that has walked out, not God.  I know in my wise mind that He is still there, waiting for me, and loving me all the while.  My heart just hurts.  And because of this, other areas of my life are suffering too...like church.  My desires are not where they should be, and neither are my "want-to's".  I feel detached, almost dead inside.  I don't want to go to church, to Bible study, to anything.  I'm not sure if its all me, or if there is something more.  All I know is, I'm not happy there anymore.  I know I need to get a grip SOON or its going to start affecting Christian.  It's just that I don't want to get a grip...like I said, my desires are not what they should be.  The hard part is that detachment is not only in church, but its creeping into other areas of my life.  I feel detached from everything...my job, my friends, my family, and even Christian.  All I want to do is sleep and escape from my mind.  This is a terrible place to be.  It's so hard knowing what you should do, what you should be, and yet not having the desire to do what it takes to get there.  I'm just going through the motions.  Some days I'm successful, and some days I'm not.  While I'm surrounded by people that I know care, I feel so lonely in this place.  No one can fix it, no one can take it away, and no one can make me do what I know needs to be done.  So here is the crossroad...am I going to get on my face before God and make it right, or am I going to keep this wall around my heart and keep going down this road?  It should be an easy decision, but it's not.

Then there is Christian. There are some issues and some hurts that he is facing too.  These are things I can't fix for him and it is breaking my heart. To see him handle his emotions the same way I do tears me up.  On top of that, he will be going back to public school this year.  It's a decision I'm still on the fence about in my heart, but I know it's the right thing for him.  He is not really on board so your prayers are needed.

Well there it is...it's ugly but its the truth.  Please pray for me...for us.  There is so much that I can't even give a specific request.  All I can ask is for you to just pray...